My Experience With Postpartum Trauma

Content warning: Postpartum trauma

For weeks after giving birth, I had been telling my doctor's office that something was wrong. 

I know my body best, and I knew that my body was not healing from childbirth.

However, my doctor’s nurses told me repeatedly that what I was experiencing was "normal". 

After having experienced a hemorrhage during childbirth, when my daughter was 1-month-old, I had another hemorrhage at home.

I will still never forget the moment I handed my beautiful baby to my friend, so that my husband could take me to the hospital. 

At that moment, I was terrified she was never going to see me again. I was terrified I was going to die. 

At the hospital, an ultrasound found a large mass of tissue  in my uterus.

And, after spending many hours in the ER, I needed to have a D&C to remove retained tissue from my uterus.

The doctor in the ER - who became my OBGYN for my second pregnancy - was incredibly validating. 

She expressed frustration towards  my current doctor, stating they should have just given me an ultrasound to assess my concerns.

She also apologized for my OBGYN’s inaction - something my OBGYN never did.

Hearing this ER doctor’s frustration and empathy felt so healing. I felt less alone.

While that experience was extremely traumatic, I thought I was in the clear, and I hoped I could move forward from it.

However, my postpartum bleeding returned; and it went on to get heavier over time. 

I was devastated. 

All I wanted was to enjoy my postpartum with my beautiful new baby. And my body just wasn’t healing.

This time, my OBGYN was taking my concerns more seriously, and had me come in for an ultrasound.

When I looked at the ultrasound screen, and saw another mass of tissue in my uterus, something broke in me.

I sobbed, uncontrollably. It didn’t feel fair. 

When the doctor told me there was a growth in my uterus, and that they did not know what it was, I was terrified. 

My doctor told me I would need to have another surgery to remove, and test, the mass.

It felt like something broke in me, all over again.

The second surgery went well. My OBGYN was confident she got all the tissue. 

I went on to heal after this procedure, physically; and the test results showed the tissue was retained placenta, from what we now know was because I had placenta accreta. 

Emotionally, it took me a lot longer to heal. But that is a story for another day.

For anyone else out there who has experienced not being heard by your medical team, or feel like your own experience was being minimized, you are not alone. 

You know your body better than your doctor, and I lovingly encourage you to advocate for what you need. 

You are worthy of being seen, heard, and cared for.

And, if you experienced postpartum trauma, my heart goes out to you. 

More than anything, I want you to know that you are not alone.

I wish you healing and hope that things will get better.