When the Body Says ‘No’
After experiencing birth and postpartum traumas, I pushed it aside.
I told myself that all that mattered was that I had a healthy, happy baby girl.
I am typically very in touch with my emotions, and allow myself to truly feel them; however, I was afraid it wouldn't be possible for me to take care of my baby while also feeling the intensity of my fear and sadness related to my trauma.
I was afraid my emotions would swallow me whole, and impact my ability to be the mother I wanted to be to my child.
Logically, I knew emotions come and go, and that I had strong coping skills to help manage my emotions.
Emotionally, it felt like it was too high of a risk to feel my feelings, while also being a parent to a new baby.
So, I pushed it aside and tried to just focus on my sweet baby girl.
I knew, even then, that I had experienced trauma; but I told myself I would address those traumas in the future, if necessary.
It became necessary.
After returning to work, and bearing witness to my clients' traumas, I began to feel 'off'.
I would read about postpartum depression and I didn't feel it resonated with me. So I dismissed any concern, and just hoped that I would feel better as time went on.
Unfortunately, without tending to what my body was trying to tell me, I started having horrible physical anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and trauma responses.
It turns out I was experiencing postpartum anxiety that was rooted in postpartum trauma.
My body was frequently responding to regular day-to-day things as if I were in legitimate danger.
Being a therapist who does a lot of work with people who have experienced significant trauma, I realized exactly what was happening to me - and I was naive to think I could fix it on my own.
However, I quickly spiraled into feeling like I was constantly using coping skills to just get through the day. I was exhausted.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself:
Slow down
Feel the feelings
Your emotions will not consume you
Get help to process your trauma as soon as possible
If anyone out there resonates with this, please know that you are worthy of help and you do not have to be alone in this.
You are not alone, and there are people to help.
Please check out Postpartum Support International’s website, and the amazing information and resources they provide.
